Set Intentions That Benefit Your Mental Health

Our decision to move to Portland happened in between seasons. The days were getting warmer in New York City and by the second our space was slowly losing square footage to breathe. I’ve written about it before, but even though I knew that leaving NYC for a bit was in our future, I didn’t think Portland or 2020 were the when and the where. This move took us by surprise, but it also set me straight.

I knew it the moment we touched down at PDX and I saw all the green. It felt refreshing and revitalizing. On our drive into downtown, the roads were lined with trees that were so much bigger than I will ever be. I visited Columbus, Ohio once and loved it because when I stood amidst pine trees I felt human. I felt the most myself I’d felt up until then. The last few days, it’s been like I’m revisiting that feeling and also like I’m learning to keep it. Where New York makes you strive to be the biggest, shiniest human to ever be encountered, Portland humbles you in understanding that while you’re meant to grow, it’s also true that there will always be a tree that’s bigger than you and that’s okay.

We’ve been here less than a week. We’ve spent more time in Target than we have in our apartment. The act of settling in is a full-time job. Amidst all those realities, I can tell you that I already know that my biggest mountain to climb won’t be Mount Hood or the homesickness that will eventually settle in, it’ll be not going backwards to who I expected myself to be for the last 7 years.

I’m passionate about the work I do and the writing I put out into the world, but none of it has ever been served by the art of the hustle. I create the best when I’m being honest, not when I’m trying to be perfect. I’m reading Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection and there’s a common thread throughout that focuses on what life looks like when we hustle for our worthiness. I see myself in each of those sentences because up until now I think that’s what I’ve been doing. New York City, its people and its work culture, centers your credentials way before it ever cares to learn your name or what you believe is your True North.

Most days, it’s a motivating culture. It helped me believe that as a first-generation American I could accomplish anything I wanted. I was too naive and too much of a New Yorker to believe that I would get anything less than what I wanted.

By default though there were a lot of moments I never stopped for because I didn’t think I needed to. As I was shuffling between floors in the Hearst Building to hop from one internship one semester to another, I never actually asked why I was in the building in the first place. Because New York’s career world moves so quickly, it doesn’t allot for time to process or reassess. I’ve been on that treadmill since college and like I said for a long while it made sense, it gave me purpose, it motivated me, and it helped frame my identity.

The older I’ve gotten (at the ripe age of 27 years old) I kept feeling uncomfortable in the parts of my life that I’d worked so hard to build. Mostly because I’d built out my career more than I’d built out my life. My life molded around my career. I’m yearning for the opposite now.

I want more room to dream. I want more room to build my relationship, to give us a chance to live and explore without feeling attached to my Google Calendar. My life had started feeling like the tallest Jenga puzzle possible, instead of a wholehearted and anchored foundation. One false step and the entirety of the puzzle would break apart.

So, I walked away from it. I’m taking what I know I want to keep and slowly shedding what doesn’t make sense anymore. I’m doing it for my own mental health and for the person I want to keep growing into because I want to grow as a human, not just as a career.

Some parts of our identities are iterative, but who we are at our core shouldn’t be. I’ve always craved less barriers between me and the people I come across. I don’t like feeling like I need to be in constant competition with others. The doors that open when you hustle in that way aren’t worth the boundaries that come with them, at least not for me.

Setting intentions for who you want to be is an act of bravery. Whether you’re looking for mountains to breathe or a city to motivate you, it’s a proclamation that you are taking charge of your life no matter whose feathers you ruffle along the way. I’m learning though that the recommitment to that act of bravery is what counts the most. When life starts shifting back to its known neutral, there needs to be a determination to push back until the new feels like the right kind of normal.