How To Start Dating Yourself During COVID

I forgot how to date myself. My long days in coffee shops, wanderings into little shops, or traveling (oh man, traveling!) were all replaced by couch time and more couch time. It didn’t happen all at once - it happened across an entire year.

I was looking through the pictures in my phone and at the top of 2020 it’s image after image of a daily life I miss so much and that is still whiles away. I won’t be back to London any time soon. Working out of a different coffee shop every other day won’t be a part of my regular routine for as long as COVID is a part of my regular routine.

Over the last 11 months, I had spurts of trying to find the work arounds to make my old life fit into this new one, but instead of finding joy, I would always end up disheartened. Now, I’m approaching dating myself during COVID differently.

I don’t want to recreate my old life within these new boundaries because in all honesty it hurts like a bad breakup. 2020 life is the one that got away and looking back at it won’t help you find the new “one.” So, instead I’m trying to meet the version of myself I’ve become since last March in new ways. If my old clothes no longer fit, literally and figuratively, I’m finding what does.

I know I’m not the only one searching for ways to “meet” this new version and I know I’m not the only one struggling with how to do it when all of our “old” ways of meeting people, or ourselves, seem like impossibilities.

Make the decision that it no longer needs to look like what it was

I’m not saying that taking yourself to coffee has stopped doing it for you altogether, but hoping it will be as seamless as it once was sets the bounty extraordinarily high for whatever the present moment can actually give you. Today has a lot to offer, even in the midst of COVID-reality. You have to give it room to be what it is. I’m not speaking to you from the future and months under my belt of doing this, I’m a week in to venturing out of the apartment by myself in ways that are actually filling instead of fear-inducing. I’m no expert, but I can say it’s nice to be in the trenches again.

Try on the old clothes, take stock of why it doesn’t all fit anymore

I mean this literally and figuratively. On the day I’m writing this, I’m wearing a sweater I wore a year ago and was reminded of when I saw a picture from back then. Except, now instead of booties and my favorite black jeans that are now two sizes too small, I’m wearing it with leggings and sneakers. I’ve gravitated towards comfort and ease - my wardrobe reflects this. I yearn for structure and style that fits into who I am now. It’s slow to find the pieces that work well, but it’s one of those pockets that I didn’t enjoy as much a year ago. I didn’t lose myself because of COVID, I birthed a new version of myself. I deserve the right to grow outside of the shadow of who I once was.

Respect your time

Our boundaries have become so muddled that what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine, all in very draining ways. We make assumptions that people are always available because no one is leaving their homes and the first person we make those assumptions about is ourselves. If you’re not respecting your time with yourself, no one else will. Put it on your calendar. Plan a real “date” with yourself. Get ready. Think about the joy you’ll feel at the end of it as a motivator to get you to stick to your plan. When someone asks if you can take the meeting, take the baby, or take the dog, say, “sorry, I’m busy.” Because you are and the time spent with yourself is necessary.

Dating yourself is not a luxury, it’s a necessity

Just because you’re home all the time, on the couch all the time, in comfy clothes all the time, doesn’t mean you’re automatically filling your cup. One of the biggest hiccups in the last year has been equating time at home with time that builds our relationship with ourselves. Like any relationship, we actually need to be intentional and try to build a relationship with ourselves. It’s not just a given. It’s also not a luxury, it’s a necessity. If you want to be good at your job, purposeful in your other relationships, or energized in your wellness, you need to learn more about what turns you on, what drains you, and where you find joy the most.

Plan for trial and error

Our old go-to solo dates may no longer work under the COVID umbrella. Trial and error will be the best way to find activities, stores, or events that make sense for you. Don’t be afraid to check out sites like EventBrite, CreativeMornings, or a basic search through Instagram to find COVID-friendly activities or solo date ideas. Lately, I’ve been following foodies in Portland to find the best to-go places that still give me the aesthetic adrenaline rush I need as a source of creativity, but are also super COVID safe.

I’ve leaned heavily into interior decorating over the last year and I don’t know if I would have discovered that passion and joy if it hadn’t been for COVID and so much time at home. I know it seems like so much of who we were has been lost as a result of the last year (and the truth is that we did lose so much of ourselves), but it doesn’t mean all of you is lost. The empty holes have been filled with other things, we need to pause to be able to spot them.

I’m such a caregiver that taking time for myself after a season of pouring myself into everyone else is like coming off an alcohol binge. I feel shame realizing how I’ve neglected myself, but it’s what I do after that burst of self-awareness that counts.

Will you hold onto the shame or will you notice it, thank it for pointing you in a different direction, and start moving?