Keep These Tips In Mind When Setting Boundaries
After a year or more of playing, living, and working where we lived, two things are true — we got better and worse at setting boundaries. We aced keeping to our bubbles and saying “no” to outings or day dates that could expose us to COVID. We got rusty though when it came to the blurry lines between work and life at home. I can admit I’ve struggled a ton with setting those boundaries for myself or respecting the boundaries my partner has set. So, I think we’re all do for a refresher course on boundary setting.
To start — what are boundaries? Google the word “boundaries” and you’ll get a string of synonyms. It’s an edge, a demarcation, a line, a fence. The clinical definition of the term matters a lot less than your personal definition. One of the exercises you can do to understand your umbrella definition of the term is to work in reverse. When was the last time you felt uncomfortable because your time, energy, or space weren’t respected? If you can’t remember the last time, then take a few minutes to jot down your ideal day and what it consists of. Do you have work blocks at specific times? Is your morning routine important to you? Are you more of a night owl and prefer to connect with others during the day as a result?
Understanding yourself and how you work and play can help you protect those windows of time. In my eyes, boundaries (when it comes to time, energy, work, and play) are rooted in protecting the daily events in my life that I need in order to feel happy, calm, and seen. Those are my true norths.
I am specifically focusing on energy, work, time, and play, even though there are six types of healthy boundaries you can be exploring in your life. A therapist lists them all out in this MindBodyGreen article.
Understand your starting point
Being honest with where you’re personally starting from means that your boundaries won’t just be great for future you, they’ll actually start serving you well today. Taking time to audit your last week for instance can help even more with understanding what you need today. Once you have an understanding of what’s sacred for you, then it’s time to actually jot down boundaries.
Write down your boundaries on a post-it note
I’m a huge fan of post-it notes, particularly for this exercise. You can’t defend what you can’t remember. Agreeing with yourself on boundaries and defending those boundaries are two different actions. Making it easier for yourself to remember what you need, when you need it, and how you need it, will help in the long run. Use sentences like “I need X amount of back to back hours working so that I can be productive” or “I need to prioritize meals so that I don’t feel cranky or unmotivated.” The formula is “I need….” + [an exact measurement or example of your need] + “so that…” + [the consequence of what will happen if you don’t get that need met. One of the reasons I’ve found that we’re more likely to drop the importance of enforcing a boundary is because we only look at the need part. Depending on how you were raised, your needs may not be of the utmost importance to you just yet (especially not as a standalone fact). I know for me, I’ve always put someone else’s needs before my own so I need more of an enforcing statement to keep to my boundaries. This is where the consequence is helpful because it reminds me there’s a specific, tangible reason why I need X thing and that I’m a better, happier version of myself whenever that need is met or that boundary is respected.
Remind yourself you don’t exist in a vacuum
One of the biggest trip ups whenever I read articles about boundary setting is that people forget to remind readers that they don’t exist in a vacuum. Yes, your boundary-finding exercise is most definitely a solo mission, but then you join the big leagues with other players, other teams, and a world much larger than yourself. In this world, it’s essential to protect your boundaries, but to also respect others and to understand where compromise and life have to come in. For instance, at home, there are three different schedules at play — mine, my boyfriend’s and our dog’s — this means that prioritization and compromise need to happen daily so that we’re all operating on some version of positive vibes instead of at a deficit. It’s okay to have to consider other people in your boundary setting implementation. It doesn’t mean you’re respecting your boundaries less, it just means that you have to dial in on understanding what your non-negotiables are.
Don’t be afraid to refresh your boundaries
Six months ago I was adamant that I did not socialize, barely left the apartment, and only interacted with my boyfriend because it felt like my right way through pandemic life. Now that we’re fully vaccinated and life’s been a bit more “normal” those boundaries I had shifted. As I follow news on the Delta variant, they’re shifting a bit more again. Pandemic life is a very specific, but universal example on how your boundaries can shift (and will shift) depending on your life circumstances, but the same can be said about so many aspects of our lives. Being understanding with those changes means that you will only be exerting energy on the boundaries that make sense to your life today.
How have you been resetting boundaries lately? Are there any tips you’ve been keeping in mind? Would love to hear in the comments!