Encouraging Field Notes #2

Are you turning to your relationships for support or have you made it a habit to go at life alone?

Let’s start with the science before I tell you a story about vertigo.

In the New York Times, Eric Ravenscraft writes, “Research from U.C.L.A. suggests that putting your feelings into words — a process called ‘affect labeling’ — can diminish the response of the amygdala when you encounter things that are upsetting. This is how, over time, you can become less stressed over something that bothers you.”

Now, what I’m not encouraging is something Ravenscraft calls “co-rumination” — “or consistently focusing on and talking about negative experiences in your life — can have the opposite effect, making you more stressed and drawing out how long a problem bothers you.”

I want you to find your happy middle and for it to involve more than one person you can turn to. Too often I think we use mental health professionals as a cop out — if we have a therapist to lean on then maybe we don’t need to talk to friends, lean on partners, or connect with family. But, one of the main reasons many of us go to therapy is so that we can learn how to be able to better connect with the world in more substantial, meaningful, doable ways. You know, the difference between learning to set boundaries and learning to build fortress walls.

This is where my episode of vertigo comes in. This morning, I was rearranging things around our apartment because we’re finally getting a couch delivered when I started having an episode of vertigo. Vertigo basically makes your head feel like a bobble head, throws your balance off, and can make you feel sea sick even when all you’ve been doing is standing still. I get episodes every now and then as a result of my chronic sinus issues.

So, while in the middle of our bedroom with books all over the floor, I started to feel like I was going to trip and fall if I didn’t sit down. Instead of calling to my boyfriend who would have happily helped me get to the bed, I pushed through alone.

I didn’t have to do that but I did. This is where the epiphany, if you want to call it that, of my own stubbornness kicked in. I keep choosing to go at things alone, even while working on learning how to do things differently. I’m investing hundreds of dollars a month in therapy (albeit for many reasons) and refusing to take what I learn and put it into practice when I need it most.

Those bad habits we’ve cultivated through being the go-to problem solver, the emergency contact for everyone in our lives, or the solitary know-it-all, they were useful methods of survival until they turned into methods of depriving ourselves of love and support. Depending on where you are in your life, switching over to lean on others more may be the biggest opportunity at your door.

The scientifically proven benefits that leaning on others can have on your life are hard to dispute, no matter how deeply rooted your habit may be.

If you need a starting guide, here are some suggestions:

• Embrace baby steps (small secrets and trustworthy ears)

• Write it down before you speak it out loud (we all need to be able to practice somewhere)

• Reward yourself any time you do lean on someone (good feelings feel great, but honestly sometimes buying ourselves the new book or pair of jeans acts like a better motivator)